I am kinda bad at blogging.

Alright... Life... let's see.

Christmas Eve is tomorrow, and I'm working 2-8pm. Let's hope everyone is pretty much done with shopping and it's really dead.
But, I highly doubt that. Highly.
So, I hope my workshift goes by fast. (Fingers crossed!)

I've done nearly all my Christmas shopping... yep, I'm done with that.

I didn't really want much for Christmas... and I haven't since I was around seventeen. (Growing up.. so, sad.) But yeah, I did want a Long Board and coffee and tea. Lots of coffee and tea... because, I think I may be sorta addicted.

Yeah, my blog entries haven't been so long, lately. Eh. Meh.

Until the future... later days!

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i remember that time when life was simple
and nothing made sense.
treasures were bountiful
-worthless now.
life is slowly becoming my downfall
but i believe i won't give up just yet

so this is what it's like
taking chances
making mistakes
i feel more human now
now that i know that i am imperfect.

there's beauty in imperfections
glory in defeat
the mistakes that are made
makes one grow

take risk and accept that you may stumble
no one is an expert the first time
awkward first daytes
and dirty fingernails
this. is. bliss.

and on summer nights
listening to regina spektor
i can think that i am
-alive

i dare to be the optimist
and i won't care about my crooked teeth
and my weak eyes
or short fingers

when the music begins again
my voice will resonate
with its cracks and slight unpleasantries
-i'm alive again.
-je sus vivant encore
-living once more
-i am alive again...

IMG00253

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So, like many of my previous entries... it has been a while. I've read my previous entries and there's not much of a difference between my 18 & 21 year old self.
Except, I drive now, which is cool. I don't have a car yet, but I'll probably get one in January.
I'm doing sooo good, in my U.S/VA history class. But seeing as I"ve been learning about VA history since I was six, I had better be doing good.
I have a new job at Toys R Us. And the most intimidating interview ever! Like, seriously... it's a toy store. We aren't saving lives, here.
I felt it was just really intense for no reason, especially since I'm seasonal and junk.
I could call Nordstrom and ask if there are any hours for me, but I dunno. I feel it would be verrrrrry awkward.
So yeah, that's my life at the moment in not so many words.

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I love these songs.

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Today, I've turned twenty-one. For some morbid reason, I never thought I'd make it this far... and I kinda don't wanna get any older than I already am.
I wanna stay 21 forever.

Forever 21.

Spiritually, I've turned six. I can't believe God has blessed me this far (even though I'm too prideful and selfish to realize all the amazing things God has given me.)

I hope my 21st year is amazing.

So here's to another year.

Until the future... later days.

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i feel... what's the right word... uplifted? happy? hopeful.
i feel hopeful.

why?

i don't really know. i'm just so tired of focusing on the bad or the unknown. it's so draining. instead, i'm going to appreciate the things that i have... or don't have. i just feel like the summer is a time of transition. or maybe even a time of reflection.

but, i'm encouraged. my best friends are planning to give me a birthday party at pf changs.
i'm also encouraged for the people i don't get to see often and the chance to build new relationships.
i'm not so encouraged by having to find a new job. (long story) but, i'm eager to see how God will bless that aspect.
i'm not encouraged by my grades in school... but again... God's plans... we'll wait and see.

i just want this to be the best summer ever. and not for the cliched... "i met this boy." or "i grew boobs." sorta thing.
i want to be transformed (spiritually) i wanna use this time that i have... and it's a lot of time! to really focus on my relationship with God and with my brothers and sisters in christ.

but in completely unrelated news... i got a kitten. his name is toby. he is ADORABLE. he cries a lot, and i'm scratched to death, but he's a baby.
and everyone loves him (if not a bit afraid.).

until the future... later days.

Tobyyyy

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I didn't write any entries for the month of April... shame on me.

Not much has been going on. My sleeping pattern has changed, and I don't know why... but I'm waking up at six and seven in the morning.

I feel so.. blaaaaaah, right now. Heh. I can't wait for Beachstock. I'm so excited, man. So excited.

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So, I have the Star Wars theme song stuck in my head... or rather the Darth Vader theme song. I went on campus swap in Ohio... again! And although, I initially planned to go to West Palm Beach again, I decided on there.

And I'm so ever glad that I did. It was amazing. So much fun, faith lifting, and inspiring. I miss it a little. I'm job hunting again. It seems I'll never get out of this never ending cycle of... patheticness? But it's okay, because that's just more experience underneath my belt. Yeah!

I don't have much to say. I'm just ready for summer. I need to create a summer playlist. Oh man. So excited.

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Campus retreat was awesome... it wasn't the best one, but it was definitely encouraging. And good Lord, I nearly froze to death out there. I felt like I was sleeping outside. It was pretty bad, but whatever... as long as I don't have to sleep like that every night.

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Being a disciple of Christ is NOT fun. It isn't cool, it isn't glamorous and sometimes it just sucks.

It's hard and sometimes I feel like giving up. Sometimes when I get mad, I want to swear. Sometimes, I want to go out and drink "have some fun."

But none of that is fulfilling... it's not worthwhile or even worth it for that matter. So, why am I a Christian? WHY in the world did I decide to give my life over to God and proclaimed the three words, "Jesus is Lord." at fifteen?

At first, five or six years ago, I did it because it felt like the right thing to do at the time. Because, in a sense I didn't have anything else going for me. Most of my friends were doing it, so why shouldn't I? But I was an impostor. I knew God. I knew of his powers and all the amazing things he was capable of, but I denied those powers in my life.

I couldn't let God take full control. I wanted to be the pilot and God was just along for the ride.

How insane is that? As if I have the power to control how my life would end up. Without God, everything is insignificant. I have no purpose. So, I could get a career a husband and pop out a few babies. Woop-dee-doo.

What I'm trying to say is, I have a greater purpose in life. There are scriptures that I want and NEED to fulfill. A far greater purpose then anything in this world could give me. For once, I feel that there is a point... a reason as to why I live my life and do the things that I do.

What I have to realize is that everything in life is a fleeting passing moment, that won't last. Nothing in life is permanent nor certain. The only thing that is true and stuck is death. After I'm dead... then what? Everything I've worked for and tried to gain would be gone.

What would be my legacy when I'm gone? What will be my lasting impression? Remember, nothing on earth will last. Memories fade and then what?

I know after I'm gone I have that chance to meet my maker. (hehe) To have that chance to meet the God who created the universe. The God, who loves everyone unconditionally despite us being adulterers, turning to other pleasures and "goals" in life instead of seeking him. To have a chance to see a God that sent his son to die for me... that's a life worth living for.

How could I NOT follow the word? His word?

I don't want to live a life that is meaningless, fleeting, and after a few years no one would remember.

I want a chance to meet my God, when I'm gone. Knowing that what I did in life was worth it all.

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